This time all circumstances changed and got tough. I tried several possibilities, but none of them worked. I was becoming like a fish struggling inside a tiny jar of water. All doors were closed at my face and I found myself in deep problems. Several times, I was greatly humiliated and I lost all hopes. I went to the mosque and I tried to make peace with Allah, but he apparently rejected me. Out of shame, sorrow and depression I thought about committing suicide to the point of searching in the google about different methods to kill myself but I didn’t have the courage to kill myself. I was always irresponsible, selfish and self-centered. I rarely admitted to making any mistakes. I always had excuses to justify my actions and to easily blame any misconduct on others. When the time came where I had serious problems, I would just run away and leave the problems for others to take care of.
Regardless of my countless sins, I often felt proud of my self-righteousness. Whenever I compared my shortcomings with those of others around me especially the religious ones and I always thought I was better than most Muslims or even if I am bad religiously, I am just one of the majority. As a Muslim and according to Islam and tradition, I used to believe that each good work I performed has the power to cancel out ten of my sins. My religiousness never bothered me or caused me to feel that I owed God anything. Instead, it led me to be proud of myself and of my deeds.
My faith and belief in Islam looked quite strong and firm. Islam wasn’t just a religion for me, it was part of my culture, identity, pride and being. There were times where I leaned towards fundamentalism and there were also times when I leaned towards atheism out of frustration with God who failed to deal with so-called religious people who schemed people like me. When I settled overseas, I had a chance to interact with people from different religions and backgrounds. I often thought that I was a person who sought to know the truth. But the truth is, I was just trying to prove myself as being right. Whenever I noticed that truth wasn’t on my side, I would quickly run to the other direction and hide behind the excuses. I was also driven by fear in my heart. I was afraid of Allah’s curses and wrath when I tried to search beyond what traditional Islam allows. I was also afraid to give up my pride.
While I was totally hopeless and all my plans were screwed up, one day while surfing the net I read about Jesus and his life and how he was crucified for his people. The journey of his life opened my heart and mind and I became curious to learn more about him. I decided to go to a church. I had no proper idea about churches and the difference between them. Anyway, my motive was to look for a new religion or God because I was deeply disappointed with Islam and the so-called religious Muslims who outwardly lived a pious life but inwardly live a sinful life just like my Muslim business partners.
From the internet, I got to know some followers of Isa Al Masih. What surprised me is that they only believe in one God, Allah s.w.t. and not Trinity as normally believed in by Christians. They never regard Isa Al Masih as God but a perfect man and a prophet of Allah s.w.t. Moreover, what makes them different from the common Christians (who only read the Bible ie. Torah and Injil) is that they study all the holy scriptures (Torah, Injil and Al-Quran) and strive to make the connection between the Quran and the Bible. They believe the holy scriptures cannot contradict each other as they are all from the same God, Allah s.w.t. I began digging into the holy scriptures with my friends for clues that could bring the connection between the Quran and the Bible. With the type of Islamic teaching that I was taught, I slowly began to notice the differences between them were getting deeper and greater to the point that there was no way these two religions could be from the same source. God, according to traditional Islamic teaching (not the Quran) is very strict, fearful and always ready to punish sinners. On the other hand, the God of the Bible is very kind and loving. The Islamic idea that the Bible was falsified by the Jews could no longer convince me. Very soon, I accumulated several thoughts and questions that confused me. They were mainly as follow:
1) If the Quran and Bible are the books from the same God, why then do they contradict each other according to the teaching of Mullahs?
(However, both the Bible and the Quran often speak about God talking to men either through Himself or His agents, the angels)
2) Where in the Bible does it mention about the coming of prophet Muhammad s.a.w. and Islam as taught by traditional Islamic teaching?
3) If God really exists and really spoke to the prophets and still speaks to these Christians, can’t He speak to someone like me because I have never heard of any Muslims who have experienced God speaking to them in this generation?
4) Why do Christians claim that Jesus is God? What biblical evidence do they have?
At that time I couldn’t open up to anybody and share about my thoughts and questions. Out of my fear I kept all these doubts tormenting me on the inside. I thought that if my friends see that I asked too many questions they would became angry just like the Mullahs who would scold or got vehemently angry at me when I asked too many questions. At the time, I was unaware that these fears were lies from Satan to keep me in darkness and to be under his control. We can always be honest with God about any doubts or questions. I couldn’t bear it anymore by avoiding the truth. I decided to find the truth at any cost and for the first time I prayed earnestly from my depth of my heart. I called upon the God of Abraham. I cried out to the Creator of the universe, the eternal God whomever He might be. I asked him to reveal to me the truth and nothing but His truth. I made a promise to Him that if he would answer my questions and reveal Himself to me, I will follow His path even if it will be different than the traditional Islam that I grew up with. I waited for several weeks but it seemed that nothing happened. I became very anxious and depressed. Finally, I decided to speak out and directly asked my new found friends.