Author: Rainbow Lee
I am a girl who grew up from Hui Muslim background. Since young, my mother used to tell me that our Allah is swift in settling accounts. He will punish strictly those who sinned and will surely destroy those who do not believe in Him.
Therefore, I was very fearful; I never dared to have the slightest doubt about the existence of the Lord; even if my heart felt suspicious about this occasionally, I immediately prayed for forgiveness so that this judgmental Lord would not bring upon me curse and disaster. Thus, I grew up in fear and in a situation where I totally could not have whatsoever doubt/question up to now.
In May last year, I came into contact with a person and I learnt a lot from this person. He lives a wonderful life, we work in the same unit; he is always in high spirits, treats people gently and is a humble person. All these qualities often caught my attention; what is the life force that supports him? Why do I have so much worry and pain? Moreover, why are there so many unsolved problems that haunt me day and night? He told me that his life is different because of the Lord whom he believes in; He is the Most Gracious and Most Merciful Lord, he is imitating His examples at all times. This puzzles me; why we, Muslims freely talk about the Lord being Most Gracious and Most Merciful but do not manifest a tiny bit in our lives?
Thus, without the knowledge of my family, I secretly read a book revealed by his Lord from the internet – <Bible>.
The first page of the <Bible> mentions about <Genesis>. Actually, this book is the same as our <Quran>; both talk about creationism, both record the process of Allah created the heavens and the earth and mankind. However, to my amazement, the Bible tells me that Allah first created the sun, air, rain, fruits, vegetables, grains, etc., which are required by man. After all was completed, only then Allah created the master of all things –Adam (man), I could not help but pondered, this is an attentive Lord.
What happened next made me even more dumfounded, this Lord did not destroy man at a stroke after they sinned. In fact, He continued to talk to them, continued to care for them and even personally made clothes for them.
Genesis 3:21 The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife, and clothed them.
My heart was deeply attracted by this Lord; He was so concerned and watched over man whom He had created. The first homicide case in human history was recorded in Genesis chapter four whereby the elder brother, Cain killed his younger brother, Abel. In this entire process, this Lord did not stop talking with Cain; this really makes people ponder! Moreover, in every conversation, it was not in the form of questioning him, but in the form of inquiring him: Where is Abel your brother?
Genesis 4:8-9 8 ¶ Cain told Abel his brother. And it came about when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother and killed him. 9 Then the LORD said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” And he said, “I do not know. Am I my brother’s keeper?”
Cain’s reply was very astonishing; he dared to talk back, he did something wrong but did not admit it and still answered boldly. Yet, the Lord was still willing to talk to this kind of people and in fact, engaged in a long conversation. When Cain realized his own problem and begged for forgiveness, the Lord even gave him a mark in order to protect him. This Lord is extremely worthy of respect, He is the Lord that takes no account of past enmity, He is the Lord that judges the matter as it stands, He is never partial to human error but He always gives man all opportunities to turn around.
The more I read, the more excited I was and the more I could not stop reading. My heart was extremely struggling. My family told me that this book belongs to Christianity; reading it is tantamount to betrayal towards religion, and there will be no more iman (faith). However, I really wish that Allah that I know since young can be like Yahweh God that is recorded in the Bible; good, loving, compassionate, merciful and forgiving. In the Quran, except for the beginning of surah nine, all the rest of the 113 surahs begin with “In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.” However, when I searched through the entire Quran, I rarely found happenings regarding Allah’s mercy. For the most part, I found Allah did whatever He pleased, quick to settle accounts, He is the Lord of Judgment Day, He is the Lord who destroyed the previous age/epoch.
My heart struggled extremely; why, why can’t I follow the Lord that loves me so much and I have to live daily under the shadow of the Lord who is frightening and punishes without showing mercy?
By chance, I heard an Imam said: Christians’ Bible is divided into two parts; one part is the Old/First Testament, in fact it is the Torah that is mentioned in our Quran; the other part is the New Testament which is what we call Injil. My heart was so relieved, actually I can now worship this Lord who is humble, close to mankind and loving.
On that night, I was alone, kneeling on my bed, my heart was fearful because I did not carry out major and minor Hadath purification, but I just wanted to immediately get close to this Lord who loves me. I pick up the courage to proceed, pushing my luck. In the beginning, I was a bit hesitant to express my mind to the Lord. As I started to speak, my tears began to flow down; the inner doubts, sorrow and fear slowly and gradually faded away, what was left in my heart was an immense peace and joy. My heart was filled with gratitude and reverence for the Lord. This was my first time experience of peace in the Lord which I had never experienced in my past worship.
I was deeply touched by Him because He allowed me to find Him, from extreme fear to peace and joy brought about by honesty of the heart to revere Him. Just as He said:
<Old Testament of the Bible> Jeremiah 29:11-13
11 ‘For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12 ‘Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 ‘You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.