The following is the content taken from my son’s diary:
“18th February 2001, Sunday.
Father and uncles went for volleyball game in the morning. I was standing aside watching them playing. I was holding a cute little dog in my hand and its name is Lili, two months old. The most attractive part about this dog is its tail that will keep on waggling when she is walking, just like a fan. I love her very much.
A ball came towards my face when I was watching the game. My first response was to avoid the ball with my hand. At the same time, I heard a scream. In order not to be hit by the ball, I used my hand to block the ball and consequently, threw Lili to the ground. I was very sad to see Lili suffered, I could not stop scolding myself.
This incident had caused me to think: Are the lives and deaths of other people matter to me at the crucial moment of imminent disaster? Will I treat others the way I treated Lili? I think I will, but I am not willing to.
It will be very good if the two things: status and wealth do not exist. Some people say that they do not want status and wealth; however, it has a price to pay in order to put this into practice. I also think: why are there wars? It is because of greed. The world will be peaceful without greed! There will not be depletion of our natural resources without greed.
Thus, greed is the root of all evils.”
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After reading my son’s diary, I understood him more psychologically and the way he looked at life and the world. This had reminded me of my childhood and memories of the past:
I was born in a family where both of my parents are servants of Allah SWT and they have suffered a lot. I always had been the target of bullying, spent most of my childhood in being condemned. During those times, my family was very poor; we were even living in hunger, struggling to survive. I remembered during a cold winter, there was no more food left; my mother went to borrow food from the villagers because she could not bear to see us suffered in hunger. However, there was none throughout the entire village who was willing to lend us some food, their reply was, “We do not even have enough food for our pets.”
My mother came home empty-handed. My father scolded my mother for what had happened, he said, “We would rather starve to death than to beg for food.” Later, my father led us in prayer to Allah SWT.
Soon, a primary school teacher sent us a bag of mouldy dried sweet potatoes. My parents and I cleaned the dried sweet potatoes by using a brush with clean water. But, how do we cook the sweet potatoes without wood to burn? There was no more wood left in my family.
My house was located outside the village, next to the public haystack and a little bit of hay would be enough for us to do the cooking. No one would know and even if seen by someone, it would not cause us any trouble. This was because during those times, almost every villager took things from the team overtly and covertly. There was one time, villagers fought, cursing each other and accusing each other for stealing public properties. At the end, the village head lost his cool and said, “Stop accusing each other, we are all thieves except Doctor Shia (my father)!”
Looking at the cold wok and we could not find any wood to burn, my parents resolutely refused to take even one hay from the public. Helplessly, we burned all the chairs, clothing and even the rubber shoes in order to cook. I could still remember until now the unbearable smoke and smell of burning rubber. Since young, my parents taught me to fear Allah SWT, uphold honesty and justice, to be indomitable and have backbone. Therefore, I was very proud of myself, even though my family was poor, I thought of myself to be having excellent character, and despise those who like flattery and make compromises.
However, there was one incident during my high school that had wakened me and I could see the ugliness in me. It was really suffering! I experienced spiritual bankruptcy, I was totally collapsed!
It happened in the year of 1980, just before graduating from high school. There was a Pre-test system; one would not be allowed to sit for the College Entrance Examination if he or she could not pass the Pre-test. Due to limited admission, the school would have to eliminate some students. My examination result was at the average level, and was afraid that I could not pass the Pre-test. Thus, together with my best friend, we were planning to cheat during the test. He would copy from my better subject and I would copy his better subject. During the test, I quietly placed my answer script at the place where it would not be easy for my friend to copy, at the same time, giving him the impression that I was willing to cooperate. On the other hand, I could easily copy answers from his answer script. At the end, I did not see my good friend in school, he could not pass the Pre-test; thus, he could not join the College Entrance Examination.
I was very sad, because of losing a good friend. The condemnation of the conscience was so strong that I could not accept myself; I suddenly realized that I was actually so despicable and shameful. The friendship and pure love had been proven to be so vulnerable and hypocritical when it was tested with the struggle for existence. If my friend were to be the stumbling block for my future and safety, most likely I would not hesitate to sacrifice my honor to pretend, to deceive and even to kill him. If I did not disclose the inner self in me, who will ever find out? I was actually a sanctimonious gentleman. Before this, I did not realize that I was ugly, dirty and wicked. I was very painful, not able to accept myself. When the only one true God Allah allowed me to see myself clearly, I realized how much I needed the salvation from Him and to change the human nature in me.
This was the turning point.
I appealed to Allah SWT, “Please save the wicked me! Oh Lord! Save me!”
Thank you Lord, He had mercy on me. Amazingly, He changed me, so I could always come close to Him and serve Him with a clear and clean conscience. Even though I always have to face various types of critical moments in my life, in Allah’s almighty power I will not respond the same way I responded in the past. All thanks, praises and glory belong to Allah SWT, the most high! Amen!